Imagine a young toddler going all nuclear, lost in a ragging tantrum when their spoken or unspoken needs weren’t fully attended to. Yet now despite being a fully grown adult, lost within a time dimension, still filled with an inner rage - as if they had only grown older, but never actually grew up! Imagine, being mugged by a masked individual, demanding you keep quiet, pay very close attention and hand over all your valuables. Yet despite legacy of destruction, the mask still helps them to avoid detection and evade prosecution. Imagine, a travelling salesman selling snake-oil as a cure for cancer to the most vulnerable of people. Yet despite morals, values or ethics, they are still using superficial charm and nefarious means to exploit others for personal self-gain. All these different scenarios may seem unrelated and appear to have nothing in common! So, say hypnotically as if by magic, you could combine all these narratives and trait behaviours together to make just one type of a person, and a bonus, you had assign a label, title or a name - to this child, adult or creature like thing, then what would this entity be called? That’s right my friends, in a nutshell . . . it would be called a narcissist!

Mike Flannery is an artist and reluctant writer, living on the west coast of Ireland. While mike himself will openly admit to the fact - that he is an expert in absolutely nothing, and an authority on even less . . . however, mikes life’s experiences form the basis for his learned expertise, and he can articulate these learned experiences with absolute conviction and relative authority. Like most artists, they tend to run against the grain, the one obstinate black sheep moving in the opposite direction to the rest of the flock - a shepherds worst nightmare. True nonconformists at heart, exuding a childlike essence mixed with the cognitive abilities of a fully grown adult, more than capable of deep introspective thought. This artistic mindset affords mike a liberating freedom, not to be found within the realms of expertise nor acidaemia - never constrained by ego, tied to any organization nor bound a title or letters added to a name. Mikes learning methods can be approached in a more fluid way, the ability to be right or wrong, accepting whatever the outcome, the ability to form personal opinions, along with the freedom to change these formed opinions at a whim. The book To Grin and Bear, stemmed from a series of oil paintings that documented narcissistic traits and toxic behaviours. Most people that had survived a narcissistic encounter, clearly and intuitively understood the paintings visually, without any further explanation needed. However, some people asked mike if he would consider putting words to the paintings so that they might be of help or benefit to others - and so, mike reluctantly obliged.

Despite the current popularity of self-help books, you’ll probably find most books are just filled with endless fluff - this book is no different, as it’s also filled with fluff . . . quite literally! To Grin and Bear is based on a series of oil paintings, which use a tortured and tormented teddy bear as an archetype to visually illustrate and document abuse, thereby exposing the abuse tactics and toxic behavioural traits of personality disordered individuals – such as psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Unorthodox in every conventional sense. To Grin and Bear takes the reader on an alternative journey towards self-help, by delving deep into past wounds in order to shed light on darkness. Providing the reader with an understanding of abuse from multiple perspectives. To Grin and Bear is written to empower empathic people with the knowledge, courage, wisdom, to overcome and heel from toxic abuse. A journey which is geared towards self- acceptance and self-empowerment, using humour as a bridge, in which to transverse the abyss.

What is narcissist?

Narcissism is essentially, good old-fashioned self-love. A trait which everybody has to some degree - as self-love is both linked to self-worth and self-esteem. The term narcissistic refers more to traits of behaviour, although some traits might be toxic, these traits are also connected to self-worth and self-esteem. The term narcissist is derived from ancient Greek mythology, as narrated in the story of Narcissus, a story of a boy who unknowingly falls in love with his own mirrored reflection in a pond. So mesmerized by a reflection of himself, so infatuated by the love of a false-self - unable to comprehend that the other person did not truly exist, that he eventually drowned himself . . . self-love on steroids! Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) on the other hand, is a full-blown pathology, which is actually linked to poor self-esteem, which is characterized by a lack of emotional empathy. An egocentric personality with no true sense of self, that creates a false-self that is never inhibited by morals nor ethics. They display a blatant disregard for others, typified by an over- inflated ego that’s never grounded in actual reality. This lack of emotional empathy can be either due to a genetic hardwiring or point towards early childhood trauma as the true-self was never fully developed - just stuck in arrested development somewhere. A false-self was ushered in to fill the void where the true self ought to be, only the newly constructed false- self, while omnipotent is also flawlessly perfect. Any internal anger will be projected externally in order to protect and maintain the fragile false facade, by shifting blame onto others, it ensures that they are never accountable for any wrong doings. Thus, the mask remains in pristine condition, but its a mask that they’ll protect with their lives, even if that’s at the expense of your own! As a survival mechanism, they learn to mimic and mirror the traits and behaviours of others to appear normal. Nothing makes you appear more normal than associating yourself with normal people - so, they seek out partners who are naturally high in all the traits, that they themselves lack. By perfectly mirroring their partners empathy and kindness back to themselves, they can cloak their own shortcomings and can remain largely undetected in the eyes of others. Narcissists exist on sliding scales - the common garden variety of narcissist is extroverted and overtly obnoxious, but the more introverted narcissist is covert by nature and very hard to detect. Deep down they crave money, attention and respect, power and control and are quite adept at attaining it, only unbeknownst to you, it’s largely at your expense. Meanwhile, you’ll find some warmth in their cold hearts, you’ll see yourself as a reflection in their eyes, and remain oblivious to the illusion . . . a game of smoke and mirrors. Clever folk them ancient Greeks! Unfortunately for the survivors of narcissistic abuse, abusers will often seek to erode or destroy the self-worth of their targets, often this is done in response to any perceived threat to their own ego, or in an attempt to bolster their own self-worth. Complex post-traumatic stress is common among the survivors of narcissistic abuse as are high levels of cognitive dissonance. Without a full understanding of the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, survivors often fall prey to the same dynamics repeated over and over again within future relationships or perhaps if they are lucky enough to escape the abuser - only then for the same abuse to be perpetuated within a future relationship by another mask wearing individual.

Is narcissism contagious? Nope! No need to worry - but to be extra safe at all times, its best to keep some distance. If you do display any symptoms of narcissistic trait behaviours, these are possibly just behavioural traits that you’ve inherited from a narcissistic upbringing. You can always cure yourself by the ability to look deep within and alter your own behaviours to amend your emotions, accordingly. Can it be cured? No is the short answer! Although, years ago, way back when, some bloke appeared on the scene and reckoned he had a magical cure - a gifted healer, a man who could cure the sick and make the blind see - but alas his only cure for narcissistic personality disorder involved a herd of pigs and a high cliff. While times have changed and one cannot be seen to be advocating such cruelty to pigs, yet some therapists nowadays claim that NPD is curable. Only as these narcissistic folk are masters of deception and renowned for their cunning abilities - highly delusional or highly gullible therapists could be more likely to blame for such wild claims! So, the jury is still out on that one. Do narcissists improve with age? No! Unlike wine, they’ll only get worse - they’ll age more like milk and just go sour. Are narcissists dangerous? Yes! they can be very dangerous! Especially when enraged or protecting their fragile but inflated ego. As they have no real empathy, morals or ethics - the more malignant the narcissist the more dangers you’ll face - so, best run! Can you fight them at their own game and win? Absolutely! But be aware some malignant narcissists are prepared to destroy themselves in order to destroy you - it will be a long hard battle fought in the gutter, and if you are triumphant, perhaps it’s a gutter from which you’ll never fully remerge. Its best to adopt a stoic mindset grounded in indifference, stand back and let them fall into one of their own traps. Is narcissistic abuse on the rise? Yes, is the answer! It has been on the increase since the 1970’s and has now almost become trend or even an epidemic. No doubt fuelled by the rise of social media platforms where one can assume complete autonomy yet project a false sense of self. Often done with the intention to provoke a sense of envy in others, as those with narcissistic tendencies, naturally assume that because they themselves are envious of others, others will also be envious of them. How common are narcissists? Very common! Narcissistic abuse runs through the very fabric of society, adding to the dysfunction and breakdown of society. Often unbeknownst traits of this behaviour are also inherent within most familial upbringings, but largely remain undetected. Official figures can vairy and typically fluctuate at between three and eight percent of the total population. Abuse survivors based on their own experiences put this figure much higher again at between twenty and forty percent. On a more spiritual level those familiar with the concept of the journey of the old soul put the figure much higher again, at an eighty percent toxic to a twenty percent non-toxic ratio . . . and as many old souls again, have had difficulty finding the missing twenty percent. So, could the real figure be even higher again? For the most accurate up to date statistic you might have to use a hat, filled with numerically numbered pieces of paper, dip your hand in, pull a number out, and go with that figure, as being the official must up to date and accurate statistic. Is it all down to bad parenting? Well, yes, no and maybe? Some say the root causes for narcissism can either be the result of neglect by the parents or even the excessive over admiration by the parents. While no parent alive today would openly admit to being a bad parent. However, the same people might reminisce on their own childhood experiences would admit that perhaps their own parents could have done a better job. While everyone has some baggage in their childhood, but you grow up you learn to forgive. It’s likely though that narcissism steams from abuse or trauma encountered some in the early development stages, as they all exhibit the exact same trait behaviours - as a child learns in the early development stages of life learns incrementally - empathy is typically learned around the ages of two, three or four. As low levels of empathy may be an indication that trauma occurred then, which ties with the frequent regression traits in behaviour. Narcissists at a core level are just oversized children and when triggered revert back into the cave, to an age at which the wounding occurred . . . otherwise the trait behaviours would be unique to each individual, and thus the dysfunctional characteristic behaviours would also be far more creative and far more dynamic. Are all narcissists male or are all narcissists female? They can be one or the other, either or both, and everyone and everything else in between! While females display more narcissistic traits than males, narcissistic, however, males account for sixty percent of the total figure, according to official figures. But as few men will openly admit to suffering at the hands of a female abuser themselves, its likely that as much abuse again and perhaps goes undocumented. The common diagnoses of borderline personality disorder is almost solely reserved for the female population. Misdiagnoses might skew the statistics somewhat, as trait behaviours among the Cluster B’s overlap when triggered or in a ragging state of mind or perhaps they can manifest diffrently between both sexes. Many within the abuse communities say that the real figure is around a fifty-fifty split.

Scapegoating: To assign blame onto an individual in order to deflect, mitigate or negate any self-responsibility. Victim blaming: To accuse others, of the abuse that they themselves are guilty of. Triangulation: To pit two or more, unsuspecting people against each other, either friends or arch enemies. The pity play: Abusers will always look for sympathy or emotional empathy by acting out, i.e., poor me! Gaslighting: Attempting to alter one’s perception of reality, by having the abused second guessing themselves. Love bombing: Being extra loving in order to gain some prized reward. Future faking: Keeping you fixated on a better tomorrow so you’ll accept the abuse today. Smear campaign: Dragging your name through the mud, so they can look like the real victims. Projection: All their issues are your fault, they’ll never hold themselves accountable. Push and pull: Pull you close then push you away again, to create and establish a trauma bond. Black and white splitting: Everything is monochrome in a world without greys, black is everything bad, white is everything good. Baiting: Setting traps for you to fall into, and should worm your way out of one trap . . . more will await!

But all his friends say that he’s a really nice man - a quiet and unassuming kinda guy! Better known to everyone as Bob, however, strangely enough, and for whatever reason? And often for reasons that you yourself cannot fully explain! Bob gives you the goosebumps and spine-tingling shivers, however, do pay careful attention to this feeling, as this is your body reacting to a bad vibe. A gut feeling or intuition from a place of inner knowing, providing you with an insight, into the fact that Bob is not all - that Bobs cracked up to be! The dark triad personality traits, refer to people who are high in narcissistic traits, high in Machiavellian traits but also display high levels of psychopathy. The narcissistic traits mean they are highly egocentric, hell bent on revenge with a bag of wicked tricks up their sleeves, while the Machiavellian traits makes them highly manipulative with a propensity for toxic games and psychological warfare, while the psychopathic traits make them extremely dangerous, ruthless, cold, calculated and callous. People with high levels of empathy are known as empaths, that empathy can be cognitive empathy, or cognitive intelligence, more head centred, often referred to as cold empathy or dark empathy i.e., they will know how you think. Empathy can be emotional empathy or emotional intelligence, more heart centred, often referred to as warm empathy i.e., they will know how you feel. Empathy exists on a sliding scale, and towards the lower end, is the Autistic spectrum. A correlate can be found between narcissism and Autism, while another correlate is to be found between psychopathy and Asperges syndrome. Both narcissism and psychopathy are defined by a lack of emotional intelligence and therefore emotional empathy. As narcissists and psychopaths will only have cognitive empathy, a cold and dark empathy. These people possess the ability to know exactly how you think, but as they lack the emotional intelligence aspect, and they can’t relate to how you feel. Many simply do not care how you feel nor will they care about how anyone else feels. They are commonly known as dark empaths, which might provide a good indication, that these folk are best avoided. These dark empaths and dark triads are far from cuddly toys, so, please do not provoke or antagonize them! Using a match to illuminate a canister that still contains some petrol - about sums them up! Highly volatile and highly explosive!! These dark triad folk are less human and more of a destructive force of nature. This force was well documented in a much earlier version of the DSM, an ancient book from long ago which is called the Bible. It referred to this as good old-fashioned evil, while these traits are indeed the essence of evil, only in this toxic configuration, the word evil, doesn’t go far enough. Only times have changed a lot from way back when, so, perhaps in the modern era, evil comes doubly distilled for added potency. The official stats are out now and quite clear - nobody makes it out of life alive! However, any encounter with a dark triad might result in an untimely death and a quick premature departure. As they’ll happily plan for your demise with the same level of consideration, they’d give to deciding what T-shirt to wear. Anyone unlucky enough to have encountered a dark triad themselves in the past, can also count themselves lucky enough, to have survived the ordeal. Although both dark and light empaths can be the result of genetics alone. Most empaths have their roots based in early childhood trauma. Traits that were once necessary to survival, in an upbringing that was far from ideal, raised in an environment where chaos often resided. The age in which this trauma occurred can have a lasting impact on how your life unfolds, luck or happenstance might be the only reason separating the abused from the abuser - or maybe consciously or subconsciously at some point in time, we chose a path of light vs dark. The proclivity for evil is inherent within us all, however, but there is also a proclivity for great good - and that’s just the duplicity of the human condition. Despite all, even evil people have the capacity for some good, insofar as good people also have the capacity for great evil, as those who have never been tested, never truly know themselves! But looking for light in those dark empaths displaying dark triad traits, you’re kinda scraping the bottom of a barrel, as any hope of light is long since quenched. Empaths who possess high levels of both cognitive intelligence and emotional intelligence, are known as light empaths, they are aligned with and towards the greater good. They are highly attuned individuals, they’ll listen not only to your words but also to your tone, your facial gestures and micro expressions, while at the same time, even tuning into the energy fluctuations behind those words. The universe is comprised of many unseen forces, where the opposite effect is required to counteract the effects of another. Just as hot needs cold, and light needs dark, perhaps in a way, good needs evil? But the closer to the light the darker the shadows, the stronger the opposing force. Certainly it’s a force that will attempt to drag you down. But we all inhabit this world together, while struggling to maintain a certain level of equilibrium, but work in different ways to restore some level of balance. They do say o pposites attract! Sometimes two differing worlds can collide, as two opposing ends of a magnet are drawn together by an unseen force. But if perfectly matched, we’d also be perfectly mirrored, and we can gaze deep into their vacant eyes, safe in the knowledge that they will never see us, like we can see them. We all battle unseen forces, both within and externally and maybe these forces extend all the way into metaphysical realms, and we have a small part to play in a much bigger picture - a cosmic game of cat and mouse in an old black and while movie, scripted aeons ago. Perhaps there is a war going on somewhere that we are part of? One that’s been ragging on since the beginning of time, a battle of good versus evil and light verses dark. A battle for our hearts, our thoughts and our minds, where by our own thoughts and actions, can create both a hell on earth for both ourselves as well as for others. And by the same token, aligned towards the light, we can create both a pleasant place for both ourselves and for others. And just maybe at a stretch, you could call that place a kinda heaven . . . and just maybe, that place could really exist? Not only within the metaphysical realms, but imbued deep within our consciousness and deep within ourselves.